some pieces of my secrets

I am under the impression that I am allways trying, that never is good enough.

the last time I was here,
I was in complete despair.
I missed you like crazy
I didn’t even know.

I wish I could write about love
Just as I used to do before.

I am creating a world of myself.
A world here inside my house,
A place where I find myself sitting in corners
alone
Sometimes I lay back in my closet
Or I stay there just staring at the mirror
I don’t see myself anymore
I don’t see anything
I feel I am losing strengh
Every day I lose a little bit
And I cry for help, but he is not listening
And so, day by day I let it go, bit by bit
I want him to care, but he doesn’t
He doesn’t even care.
And in losing these small bits our history starts to end
It is so strange because I don’t want to
But it is just that I know,
it is ending….

The perfect day
And I wake up next to you,
You hold me and kiss me,
We have breakfast together,
We take a long walk,
I make a warm bubble bath, just to relax
I make you a chocolate brownie,
We take a nap, I am in your arms….
and it just feels perfect.
And it is for me,
These little things I allways dreamt about.
I wish you felt this way too.

Sometimes it just scares me…

I just wish I could be me again.

there are moments in life when deep inside you feel that it was all worth it

It is you and me,
Literally.
It is impossible to be more alone than this.

You think that the years are going to turn you into a diferent person, even stronger…
It doesn’t.
I realized that little have changed…
Feels like drowning.

We have these little things…
Things that are only ours.
Like when I wake up, I go to his side of the bed and I wake him up by kissing and hugging. When I am almost falling asleep at night, he holds me so I will fall asleep in his arms.
Little things that are precious to me.
Now, I worry that it isn’t enough.
I am losing these things, things that I used to think that were ours turned out to be just mine.
Now, I think it only mattered to me.
Now, I am wondering how to start living without these little things.
Now, I wish to be me again.
Now, I hope it will not take that much long to get used to be me alone again.
Now, I hope it won’ t hurt for so long.
I wouldn’t bare it….

Someone told me a while ago that I didn´t have to be happy all the time. Truth is I never realized that. I never knew being sad is part of life. And as much as I come to understand this, it only makes me confuse because I believe that in order to be whole I need to be happy, to pursue happiness. And I always believed I deserved to be happy, as happy as one can be. But, unfortunately, it is not like that, not for me at least. And it doesn´t matter how much I try to be in a better place, it doesn´t matter how hard I try to be complete, it never depends on me and it should or life will always be unfair.

I collect the words you say to me,

I keep then close to my heart.

I think I´d die without you.